progress?
January 26, 2010X and I actually had a civil conversation today… over email. I think she and I have finally begun to accept what seemed so inevitable 2 months ago: we’re getting a divorce. It’s real, and it’s not going to change. I still think she’s in denial about why we seperated (she still wants to blame me and refuses to acknowledge that it was a mutual problem), but at least she’s finally decided that she doesn’t want me, and she’s able to let me go.
The content of our conversation was the only subject that I’ve allowed us to talk about: the kids. Any other subject, I cut off the conversation because I’m damn tired of getting a lecture about finances when she wasn’t there to help with the financial decisions when we were together. As for the kids, we had come so close to a mutual parenting plan before she decided to get petty and throw in an unreasonable request (I wanted the kids every other weekend and 1 weeknight out of the week; she agreed about the weekends, but wanted the weeknight to be the night that both kids had activities in different towns. Petty shit.) Anyway, she asked me about it because my lawyer had communicated that I was going to forego the weekly visits until the mediation meeting, and she was being pestered by the kids about when they were going to see me again.
She at first tried to pin the blame on me, saying “don’t you want to see the kids?”. I told her, I wanted to see the kids, but it was her unreasonable request that was stalling the negotiations and I didn’t want to waste time on her bullshit anymore. A few emails back and forth and she actually agreed to MY idea; kids every other weekend, and 1 day a week alone with each kid. Of course, she claimed it as her own success, but I don’t care anymore. If she has to protect her fragile ego, whatever. I get to see my kids, and hopefully, she’ll remain reasonable when we sit down at the mediators table.
This sounds like the tiniest, baby-step forward. Your decision to cut off any conversation that doesn’t advance matters sounds to be the perfect approach (in an otherwise terrible situation). Stay focused on progress, and ignore the rest. My guess is, the rest will start to dissipate, and there will be more opportunities for progress.
Keep making these baby-steps forward, and pretty soon you might even have a little bit of forward momentum.
And you’re right to not quibble over whose idea it was or whose victory it is; none of that is important. In the end, the extent to which you remain in your daughters’ lives, it’s your children who win.
Congratulations! Civil communication can be a HUGE step. I know a guy who would hang up the phone as soon as his ex raised her voice or tried to hijack the conversation and complain about something off-topic. Good luck with this process- and with the kids!
I know the hardest part is acceptance (being on the receiving end of it, I guess I can speak to that pretty well!) and it sounds like you are taking the right approach, being civil about it, not fighting (or trying not to!) and just trying to get through what is a difficult process for both of you. And, keeping the children as first priority is huge, I so admire that (not having kids myself, but having a couple of close friends go through divorce with kids…it’s hard, very hard, and adds so much more complication to it).